


Talking to the Moon

by yourlocalbloodychicken



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AGH, And they were soulmates, Angst, Azkaban, Bisexual Remus Lupin, FUCK, Gay, Gay Sirius Black, Harry Potter - Freeform, Help, IM IN PAIN, M/M, Marauders, Moony - Freeform, Padfoot - Freeform, enjoy i guess, im sorry, oadjsfnldkfn, remus lupin - Freeform, sad wolfstar, sirius black - Freeform, sirius x remus, this is so sad, why did I write this, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:40:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29459151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlocalbloodychicken/pseuds/yourlocalbloodychicken
Summary: Wolfstar head canon (Sirius in Azkaban);talking to the moontrying to get to youin hopes you're on the other sidetalking to me too
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 8





	Talking to the Moon

Sirius slumped in the same corner of his cell he always did. The only one that was ever lucky enough to ever be grazed by a rare blink of dim light when the sky was kind enough to let it trickle through the window, which was just a pathetic crack in the cobblestone and far out of his reach. Although he had lost track of time months ago- the second he flinched at the click of the lock behind him- Sirius had been trapped in the cell for three, bordering on four, months. The playful, frantic curls of his chaotic hair had grown out to be wise and greying, aged by the dreadful cling of the prison glower. His once clear, tan skin had faded to match the pale grey of the walls. The bags under his eyes drooped lazily toward his cheeks, too unmotivated to lighten the grave expression of his face. His vibrant ice blue eyes that were once filled with wonder and a devious playfulness, were almost black. His gaze that could once brighten the darkest of rooms with just a glance, now entertained the constant sway of despair and dullness that never failed to hover before him in his cell. His lips were cracked and dry, constantly quivering towards the bottom of his otherwise motionless, expressionless face. His hands were stiff and his knuckles blistered from the helpless pounding against the unmoving walls from whenever he got the energy to release just a breath of frustration by punching the cobblestone. But the walls bounced the frustration right back to him promptly, as if it had never escaped him for even a second in the first place.

Cluttered with the memories laced in the air, the room remembered every airy giggle, every gentle touch, and every desperate sob that Sirius had ever experienced. And it would never let him forget. As desperately as he wanted to escape the recollection of everyone he had ever known, everyone he had ever hurt, the shadows didn't let him.

The night of the third full moon since he had arrived, his pained cries tickled the cobblestone of the frigid floor, brushing gently against his parted lips as they left his mouth. He whimpered into the unwelcoming embrace of the harsh corner, surrounded by the echo of his own cries as they resonated from every brick of each wall, humming softly back into his ears when they got back to him. Their echo was hollow and pure; a light susurration that shouldered the gravity of his suffering. So meek and so frail were the cries, leaving his mouth so softly and innocently, only to be met with the unsympathetic face of the walls and floors. His pain trickled from his lips like a clear water streaming softly from a spring. His whimpers rebounded against the walls as innocently as the water gently spilling into the stream without a splash. His pained breaths broke between each cry suddenly, chopping up the otherwise legato melody of his weeping.

A few tears had drifted from his eyes to slide down his cheek, leaving a streak that vaguely resembled the natural color of his skin as the tears pushed away a thin layer of the dirt that had so abundantly gathered itself on his face. He didn't notice the stream of teardrops until they dripped from the sharp edge of his jaw to land on his worn fingertips. The drops became tinted by molecules of dirt that had collected under his nails. The black of the dirt seeped into the innocent teardrops, overtaking them with its dark tint and cracking the purity of the tears the same way a fist shatters a mirror. Sirius fixed his eyes on a single teardrop that fell gingerly onto his fingertips, brushing his skin soothingly. He was entranced by the almost poetic way the dirt bled into the tear.

After a while, the moon leered down at Sirius through the thin window that opened to the night sky far above him. The yellow glow of the moon that used to be so familiar, stung against his darkened eyes. He gazed up at the moon in anger. His soft whimpers cracked into desperate raging sobs as he yelled up at the moon, receiving no response.

"How could you do this?!" The desperation of his voice split any stillness that had previously lingered in the cell. But no one was there to hear.

He jumped to his feet. His body was too weak, but the sheer frustration that festered deep in his chest granted him the energy to stand. "Why?!" The crack in his voice was even more desperate.

He threw his fist into the wall. When the stones didn't move, he did it again. And then again. Repeatedly, he punched the wall and his already untamed hair fell in front of his face, spiraling chaotically before his shut eyes.

After screaming a few more helpless questions up at the quiet moon, he sank back into the cold wall, whimpering one last broken phrase.

"Just leave him alone," the words bounced out of his mouth between sobs, barely decipherable against his strained breath.

The moon still offered no reaction.

Sirius lifted a weak hand to brush his hair from his eyes, revealing the entirety of the full moon before him. It was so beautiful. But so goddamn stubborn. He gazed up at it, carefully admiring and loathing its every detail. Defeated, he let its refreshing light embrace his colorless skin. He basked in its heartening glow, closing his eyes to fully feel the stream of its light against every inch and every scar and bruise that painted his face.

After a minute, he gradually reopened his eyes. And for a painful moment, he let free the thought that he had been so desperately repressing, fighting its all too tempting urge to flood his mind, consume his thoughts, break his already faint heart.

For just that painful moment as he gazed up at the moon, he wondered, was Remus looking at it too?

He already knew the answer. Of course he was. Sirius knew for sure that his boyf- that Remus Lupin was staring up at the same moon. He was certain that an agonizing hybrid of fear and adoration welled in Remus's chest as he gazed up at the unforgiving moon. He knew full well that Remus was alone, suffocated by the dreadful burn of his solitude. Staring up helplessly at the moon with no one there to brush the hair out of his eyes. With no one there to crack the icy barrier of numbness that always possessed Remus right before his transformation. With no one there at all.

Sirius shivered as he pulled his knees close to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. He fought the urge to bury his face in his arms, unwilling to lose sight of the moon for a second. Unwilling to leave Remus to stare up at its intimidating presence alone.

Sirius wanted to leave. He desperately needed to be free. But what he wanted more than anything, more than freedom itself, was to cup Remus's cheek with a gentle brush of his hand and gaze deeply into his eyes. All he wanted was to feel the silky curls of Remus's hair tickling his fingertips as he held the boy close to his chest. He longed to feel Remus's heartbeat against his own, the two heartbeats eventually synchronizing as Remus and Sirius held each other. All he wanted to say was 'I'm here.' And he wanted to feel Remus's warmth deepen as he sank further into Sirius's arms when the comfort of Sirius's words flowed sweetly into his ears. He wanted to hear the trembling quiver of Remus's breath steady to a reliable inhale and exhale that tickled the back of Sirius's neck.

And the worst part of it all was that he didn't have a single doubt about what Remus was feeling. He knew for sure that the amount of self-loathing and pure anger at himself that filled Remus's chest was immeasurable. But that was nothing compared to the fear. The fear that never left Remus. The fear that crescendoed with each passing moment as the moon rose closer to its peak. The fear that, by some miracle, Sirius was always able to silence. Or rather, used to be able to silence.

And he knew that Remus would wake up alone. With a horrible tapestry of scars stretching all across his body, leaving no part of his skin untouched. Sirius wouldn't be there to wipe away his blood. He wouldn't be there to patch the wounds or soothe the scratches. He wouldn't be there to hold the boy together when his entire world was falling apart.

The clear image of the moon blurred behind the impenetrable wall of tears that welled in Sirius's eyes. They streamed down his cheek quickly, but swelled in his eyes quicker, leaving the moon to fade to a haze. But its light was still undeniable.

Sirius closed his eyes for just a quick moment in hopes of clearing them of their tears. In the brief moment of blackness when his eyes were shut, he saw Remus's eyes. But not the familiar eyes that glimmered their hazel so delicately and graced any room with their wise glint. Not the eyes into which Sirius longed to gaze, or the eyes in which he had found unwavering comfort so many times before. Not those. These eyes were broken. Shattered and betrayed. These were the eyes that stared in disbelief at Sirius as he was dragged away to Azkaban. In these eyes, Sirius watched the strong, seemingly unbreakable flame of Remus's trust flicker and dwindle until it faded to nothing. Leaving no sign that it had ever existed besides the look of a pure heart, now shattered.

Sirius screamed with no control over his voice. The cry spun frantically around the room, but its powerful force still rebounded off the walls, echoing for a prolonged moment after having failed to escape the barriers of the cell. With the scream, he hoped to chase away the memory of Remus's broken expression. But that face, those eyes, with all their pain and distrust, would never leave the chaotic scramble of thoughts that clashed in Sirius's head. It was the only thought that shined clearly through the blurred chaos of the others.

He let his head fall back into the wall behind him with a thud. And he continued to gaze up at the moon.

After a few numbed moments, his mouth formed words that his mind didn't mean to mutter. They left his lips softly and gently, the same way they used to flow into Remus's ear. And with the same sweetness that had possessed his voice whenever he comforted him, the words slipped into the air, searching for Remus. But they would remain suspended in midair, with no one to hear them.

"I love you."

...

Remus stood frozen before the window of his bedroom. The moon was less than an hour away from stopping at its peak in the sky. He stared up at it helplessly, his eyes trembling under its dominant glow.

"Please, just this once, let me be," his voice cracked more than he expected. He narrowed his eyebrows and shook his head at his own words. And then, in almost an instant, any sense of reality he still held slipped away, robbing him of his breath.

His numbed body turned warm. His indifferent expression melted. His steady breath shuttered. And he felt Sirius. He felt Sirius's breath trickling through his own brown curls, he felt his soothing hand brushing along his cheek, he felt the comfort of gazing deep into Sirius's eyes wash over him. And the brief feeling of being loved again chased away his self-hatred. For a second he wondered if Sirius was thinking of him too. If the moon was shining the same wise, intimidating light onto Sirius's beautiful face that it was shining onto his. Before, he would have trusted completely that Sirius, wherever he was, would be gazing up at the moon and feeling Remus's pain more deeply than Remus himself. But now he didn't know what to believe. He longed to rely on the once unwavering trust that he had gladly granted Sirius, but now it was cracked. Not only cracked, but completely shattered. Broken into millions of lost fragments.

Remus clung onto his doubt as tightly as he could, unwilling to trust even Sirius's memory. But a gentle breeze swept across the side of his face, flowing sweetly into his ear. And his doubt was gone. Like it had never been there in the first place. He could swear he could hear the alluring coo of Sirius's low whisper filling his ear. The breeze didn't feel like the work of the wind. It felt like the soft brush of Sirius's steady breath against his neck as Sirius soothed him.

But then the breeze passed. And the room was still again. The moon still shined down at Remus threateningly, but what burned more than its daunting glare was the stinging absence of Sirius's arms wrapped around him. His shoulders throbbed where Sirius's arms were supposed to be. Their absence was excruciating. His heart ached at the vacancy of his room. And without a thought, his lips formed words that his voice knew better than to speak. His eyes shut in a longing, pained expression as he involuntarily mouthed the words without a noise.

'I love you.'


End file.
